Merry christmas...

Last night I got high and dressed the tree with my brother. If it hadn't been for the weed I would've killed, murdered, tortured my mother like she was torturing me. She gets so mean during the holidays. Like an evil tyrant she orders people around with wild wants and makes allegations such as we aren't helping, that we don't ( Read more... )

 Once again my room is berated with the strong winter winds. It doesn't matter that we shut the windows and turn up the heat, cold somehow still gets in.

Some sort of equilibrium has left me. It has begun again, the paranoid theory's about my lovers state of mind. I'm usually so wrong in these outlandish ideas, but still there is some truth in ( Read more... )

I woke up this morning

with sweet bitter

all in my throat

I swallowed it

too sick to spit

I woke up this morning

from bitter dreams

that took all the salt

from my sweat

and gagged me helpless

I rolled over thinking of you

and all my missed opportunities

and all my deviant wants

and needs

I pictured flesh

but it wasn't rosy

just gray like

the ( Read more... )

You do know if you for some reason give me a reason to stay I will probably at some point end up hating you? 
Right?

( when the mermaids come in from the shore )

 Very often I don't know what to say. I'm making it by on personal pick-me-ups like 'hey your not acting weird right now! Good for you!'. It's completely tragic. I know that I'm unsatisfied and generally unhappy with the state of my existence at the moment. I often remember why I didn't like myself. Every day is a seems to be a tiresome journey ( Read more... )

Heads been hurting me lately, maybe making up for what my heart won't feel. My noes itches, and I've fucked up on late registration. I'm in the class but might not get any credit for it... ... My mental state wavers during the day. It's so easy to get me down. I came across a rut and now I can't find myself out of it.
We watched some TV shows like ( Read more... )

I think there is no escaping 
the face of this 
irrational slow torture 
all that is left 
as an option 
is to tilt my head this way
and let the pressure 
from that one little droplet 
pound a pone 
a harder part of me
and I'll harden the other parts
while it softens what's left 
of my heart.

( winter smoke )

( Color and Black&White photos )

It didn't go as well as I would of hoped, but it did go. Re-shoots are inevitable and there was bound to be a little strain but I survived. Keith didn't show so I used Gabe which was upsetting. He's not really sooted for the role, but I made due. Now I just have to send back the film. Now I just have to learn how to be near him again. It was odd. I ( Read more... )

I need to stop vilifying him. I don't know why I do it so often. He'll be there. Okay great ease on my mind. Four down two needed three requested.

Edit: I also had a strange dream that we where all together driving in this hornet yellow car in the 1980's. What I can remember from it though is just up to the part where we dented some mans car in a ( Read more... )